Pandemic Dating: Observations (& Advice) from a Casual Dater

If you can and have the means, I highly recommend donating to World Central Kitchen – their mission is to feed people affected by natural disasters, and your help right now is needed more than ever. Thank you.

---

Hello and happy Tuesday! I’m not sure about you all, but the last week has been one that feels highly anticipated (what with Thanksgiving later this week) but now that it’s here, I’m more nervous. All the coverage about how Thanksgiving travel could potentially lead to a huge spike in COVID-19 cases? Very scary…

But other than that, I think it’s just been overwhelming trying to finish everything as the fall quarter is wrapping up. I can’t believe my senior year fall quarter is wrapping up and I still feel as unprepared as my first day freshman year! I digress, there’s been a lot of ups and downs since then, and maybe I’ll write about it! Would you want to read about it?

Anyway, I figured this week I would take a break from food stuffs and write a little bit about relationships, the juicy stuff… (Spoiler: not that juicy.) But if you do want to read more relationship stuff from me, or ask me a question, feel free to reach out with your question over social media to answer on the blog, or ask through my sex and relationship advice column, “Asking for a Friend,” form

---

Pandemic dating. If you’re a single person like me, you’re either on a dating app or trying to pursue something with a friend you already have.

I decided not to categorize this as a “Lessons in Love” because this has less focus on my experience, but more on the experiences of others and advice I’d give toward that. Does that make sense? Anyway…

I finally got tired of having shallow conversations with people who didn’t measure up to my standards (sorry guys) and deleted the apps off my phone.

As I’ve been trying to find my fellow fish in the sea of also single guys in Eugene, on dating apps swiping and messaging, it felt futile to find someone that would be what I was looking for: partner that would take our relationship somewhat seriously for the unforeseeable future. So after chatting to a few people, going on some dates, it hit me that dating wouldn’t work because… who knows how long this pandemic could go on?

But also, who knows where I could be in a year, or even six months from now, post-graduation? Plus, being so busy and career-centric, I finally embraced the idea that I’ll probably be alone for a long time because my dedication to career is a bit intimidating… (but that’s a story for another time.)

---

Relationship Successes

Besides my depressing and pathetic plight of pandemic dating, I also know of the successes and failures of my friends.

I’m quite pleased that one of my good girlfriends found a great guy that she’s absolutely head over heels for, and he seems to return the same feelings for her. Their story was a bit unconventional, but it was an in-person meeting rather than over an app, and they seem to be going quite strong.

One of the things that she mentioned about her relationship was how she had never felt so drawn to someone, wanting to be in their company as long as she could and feeling sad even when they lived in relative proximity to each other.

“I just miss him when we’re apart, and it’s weird, I know – I used to be skeptical of people like me, too – but that connection is real, Em,” she said to my suspicious expression. As your resident cynic, I won’t believe it exists for me until I experience it.

---

Dating Failures

Of course, for the one bright and shiny success story there is three or more failures. One of my other girlfriends just dumped her long-distance boyfriend, because the distance and other aspects of the relationship weren’t working out for the two of them, but mostly her.

I’d been dropping hints to her that she was being a bit too stubborn to hold onto him for so long, especially when she was already unsure of their future together. She actually surprised me with the news she dumped him, but she admitted to not being sad so I was right (not to toot my own horn, but I’m usually right about these things.)

Another one of my guy friends admitted that he was trying to figure out if he was going to take the next steps into initiating something with a friend that goes to another university, or if it was even worth it to make a move on his crush. I said to at least try, because what did he have to lose, but to my knowledge he still has not done anything… only increasing his chances he’ll be (if not already) in the friendzone.

My other girlfriend was bemoaning that finding good guys was so difficult, especially with busy schedules. She’s a ridiculously hard worker who brings the same chaotic energy that makes her successful in her work into her relationships… which for her only results in heartache.

I keep trying to tell her to cool it down, but in high tension times like these, sometimes it’s hard to take the advice of others, so she continues in her search as well…. which has been an interesting show to be watching.

---

Advice

You’ve made it to my favorite part: actually giving advice.

So, not sure if you should stay in that strained relationship?

Not sure if you should keep swiping on those dating apps?

Not sure if you should make the move to start a relationship?

Or, not even sure how to start dating? (I recommend you read my advice column about how to date in a pandemic first before continuing.)

Well, though I won’t exactly have all the answers, my advice is to consider these questions to see if it’ll help with your decision making:

1. Is it worth the time and energy?

With being stuck inside, it’s easy to feel like time passes much too slowly and that anything that can divert our attention is an attractive alternative to our responsibilities or taking proper care of our health. (I’m guilty.)

Swiping and having mindless conversation passes time really easily – especially if you’re a good conversationalist or can juggle chatting with multiple people at once. Or even just trying to resolve fights with your partner, if your relationship is on the rocks. But at the end of the day, both are just as tiring – sometimes even more so – as homework, work, or household chores.

So ask yourself, is it worth the time and energy in chatting with these potential partners? Because I sure as hell know you probably have better things you could be doing…. which leads into my next point quite nicely:

2. What’s the point?

Yeah, loneliness is one thing. Or maybe you’re scared of going onto a new track. However, if you’re just “going with the flow” and not really having any intention with whatever you’re doing, what’s the point?

If I’ve personally learned anything in the pandemic and being cooped inside, it’s that life and time is precious. I know of many that have lost friends and loved ones, or been on the brink of death itself from the virus, so I am constantly being reminded that we can’t take our time for granted.

Sure, we can just have our flings and whatnot, but is it something you actually want, or is it just something you’re doing to pass the time so you don’t have to worry about things you should actually be concerned about? So, in conjunction with this, also ask yourself:

3. What does it bring into your life?

Being in the middle of a pandemic is depressing. Whether you’re alone, with family, or somewhere in between, we’ve all lost a lot of things in our lives that we definitely thought we’d have forever. From people, possessions, and places, the loss has been exhausting to get over as it gets compounded the longer the pandemic goes on.

However, in this time, we’ve been fortunate that life has kept moving. People have continued to do great and remarkable things in this dreary time: getting married, having children, career successes, other personal achievements, etc. We’re all finding things to fill the space and continue to grow, which has been great!

So as we navigate how to move forward next, just think about where your current or potential relationship is on the spectrum of what it will bring you for the foreseeable future. Sure, it may seem entertaining to string along people, but does that bring you joy? (Not to sound like Marie Kondo, but she has a point.) In a period where we are able to have a little more wiggle room in considering the things we (literally) bring into our lives, why should we settle for things that don’t add value or make our lives harder? This pandemic has caused us so much grief, we don’t need any more of it.

With that last bit, I hope some of these guiding questions help you get to the bottom of your romantic pursuits. Despite being a cynic about romance, I hope you all can find the romantic partner or situation you’re looking for – those connections are sometimes the greatest things that can come into our lives. And if it doesn’t happen now – don’t worry, in due time it’ll be worth it.

---

I feel like the relationship pieces always end up being some of the longest blog posts I write because I’m so passionate about the topic. Also, that despite being a jaded cynic that in the depths of this cold heart I hope that I’ll end up with something sweet and just right… but for now, I continue on my cynical way, haha.

What did you think of the questions I posed for you? I know they’re a bit tough to get through, but I know by having the answers you’ll most likely have a better sense of direction on what you want to do (at least I hope so).

Like I mentioned above, if you want me to answer more relationship questions, I can! Leave a comment below or you can Tweet or DM me over Twitter or Instagram (don’t forget to follow me!), or if you’d rather me answer something more sex-related, (though it’d be for the Daily Emerald’s “Asking for a Friend” column), you can submit your question here!

I was feeling a bit of a creative wall in terms of what I would be writing about this week, but I have to thank my friends for their trust in me to help them with their relationship issues – and hopefully I can help you too – that inspired this week’s post.

Thanks for taking the time to read my titterings about relationships and advice, I really am so grateful for your eyes and attention. I hope you all have a safe Thanksgiving or however you choose to spend this upcoming long weekend, for my fellow Americans. Take care, and until next week!

Have you eaten? If not, don’t forget to!

Em

P.S. Per the usual, if you want more of me, check out my review of Sticks & Stones, a new-ish Eugene restaurant that serves primarily meatballs and poutine, or my last blog post about how breakfast foods are better at night.

If you don’t want to read, you can get donuts with me in my last YouTube video (see below) or listen to the latest episode of my podcast Food Fumble Hotline, “Episode 3: The New Cinnamon Challenge” where co-host Jamie Diep and I talk about cinnamon recipes for a reaaaally long time.

Originally published on sikfanmei.home.blog on November 24, 2020.